As I have been recovering from cancer treatment this last year I have often joked that I am Cindy 2.0. I am a different version of the original with a few glitches. I spend time daydreaming about doing and accomplishing the same things I used to do. I consistently try stretching myself past these sticking points, but my body seems to be in resistance. Sadly, I spend more time daydreaming than actually doing.
I am not the same as I was before cancer treatment, I don’t have the same energy or capacity and I need to do things differently. Getting comfortable in my newness is not only a challenge for me, but for those around me. For example I need to rest more. If I don’t get the opportunity to rest during the day, I begin to shut down and find myself heading to bed at 7:30pm. I seem to be grunting through my work days and then using the weekends to catch up on housework and my rest. This pattern makes having any kind of personal or social life a challenge. The end result is less fun and social activity, leaving me with feelings of my life just slipping by.
My soul has evolved over this last year, and because I have been putting my efforts into fighting for “normal”, I have not been able to hear the wisdom being whispered by my Spirit, Blaze.
Instead, I have been tuned into the pity party of Shade. The more I ignore who I am, the more shut down I feel. The more shut down I feel, the more I feel disconnected. This disconnection leaves me spinning with a confused, heavy heart.
Thankfully I have a strong fortitude and positive mental attitude. I catch myself getting caught in that powerful, downward vortex and consciously shift that negativity. As of late I have been catching myself staring down that black hole more and more.
Instead of being seduced and falling further into the comfort of darkness, I recognized that I needed to reach up for a lifeline, back into the light.
I have been using so much energy trying to force myself back into my original mold that I have been blind to the fact that I just don’t fit that shape anymore. Cindy 2.0 needs me to let go of what was and give the new me the chance to figure out what my new shape is. I need to shut off the noise around me and tune back into the soul guiding wisdom of my spirit. I need to rest and recharge and honour my body.
My Soul and Spirit know what is true. I need to quiet my fear mongering Ego and allow Cindy 2.0 to just “Be” who she is. I am excited to see what beauty will emerge now that she has been placed in a supportive growing environment.